A Door Closes

pexels-photo-277559.jpegA few weeks ago, I came across the picture of an 11-year-old Bulgarian orphan, one that caught my attention. I see children needing families all the time because of the facebook groups that I am on. But for some reason, this boy caught my eye.

I inquired to the agency that had him and got his information. In the past, I wouldn’t have even considered adopting a child that old. However, recently, we fostered a boy the same age. And in our home, that age seemed to work really well. And I had to wonder if the whole foster experience was preparing us for this young man.

There were several reasons this was a good idea. For one, it would be someone Lukas could relate to later in life, another Bulgarian sibling he could connect to. The age of the child also worked well for Adam. He actually liked our foster child; young children tend to exasperate him and annoy him. Kira was open to the idea. Lauren wasn’t as convinced, but she wasn’t fighting me on it too much. Even Pete didn’t throw away the idea when I brought it to him. However, an international adoption costs in the realm of 30 thousand dollars, which is money we don’t have. So we knew, if God wanted us to do this, it was going to be a big step of faith. We’d have to know that God would provide the money, somehow. I also know, from experience how HARD adoption is. So taking this path was one we would go into eyes wide open to the disruption. It would be hard for the whole family.

And this was what I posted about the other day on Facebook, about wanting very vivid answers from God for such a huge decision. It felt right in many ways, but the fear of the “what ifs” were there.

What if he disrupted our family?

What if he abused our younger son?

What if it was chaos in our home?.

What if we couldn’t raise the money?

What if he was our son and God planted him for me to find?

Lots of questions in such a life-altering decision.

The other day, the agency told me that another family had stepped up and the door was closed. It made me both sad and relieved for an answer. For a short time, I really did think that he was placed in my path to be a part of our family. But now I know he is with someone else.

So now I am left to the why. Why did God place him in front of me? Was it just a test, to see if we would trust him with such a large amount of money? Is he prepping the idea of adding another child? I don’t know why. I just know that God always knows and we just need to be willing to take that step if he so calls.

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Why am I Blogging?

For several years I was a part of a group writing blog. When we first started up the blog, it was just an extension of our critique group. We had fun and we started doing mystery agent contests and gaining followers. We were interacting with agents and feeling very professional. It was an exciting time to be a blogger.

We each had an assigned day of the week. And frankly, sometimes it felt like pulling out my eyeballs to come up with helpful material on writing. And as the years went on, our members stopped posting, and a few of us, the stubborn ones, kept the group afloat.

We added members. It helped because we only had to post once every other week. Fourteen members was a lot easier than 7. But even then, after time, people stopped posting. At times if felt like a huge tandem bicycle with only 1 or 2 people pulling the rest a long.

And the drama… oh my the drama. Me and another member butted heads on how things should be done. In the end, my life became too crazy. We recently adopted a little boy from Bulgaria, so real life took priority over a blog I hated.

And with much rejoicing, I quit.

So now, here I am again, starting a new blog. Part of the reason, I think, is because my mind seems to be full of so many things. I am a mom of many hats and my mind is always turning, always creating.

This won’t be a writing blog, although I WILL have lots of writing things on here. It will be a blog of randomness. A blog of my own whims. It will be a blog where I talk about adoption and autism and face painting, and probably some controversial beliefs that I have. And also, it will include my new venture from going from traditionally published to self-published. Oh boy. There is a lot more to it than I’d originally thought… but that can be a topic for another post.

Will people actually visit this and read this blog? I really have no clue. But for now, in the wee hours that I have time to myself with a very active–and frequently naughty toddler–I will post things from time to time.

No set schedules.

No set themes.

And I won’t care if anyone else follows, for now it will be for me.