Back in February, I had written a blog post about a child that was on my heart for adoption. You can read the post here. Since then, he’s been on my mind off and on. I even kept his files on my computer because I didn’t have the heart to delete them.
The other day, I was looking at the waiting child list on Rainbow Kids. It is a website with a database of children who need to be adopted all over the world. I was searching through the children, and I saw him. The same boy who’d caught my attention a couple of months ago. But this time, he was paired with his sister.
Now, when I had read his files, it had mentioned that he had an older sister that didn’t want to be adopted. So now, of course, I was really confused. Had the sister changed her mind? Are they now both up for adoption as a sibling group? So I contacted the agency linked to them on Rainbow Kids and they did some digging and told me that their files were taken down months ago. So I guess this was an old posting? Or was it? There is an agency looking into it for me. I do assume that he is still matched with a different family, and that was just an old posting, but it opened an old longing for me. The open door cracked open a bit and I found myself peeking through.
So it got me looking at other children. I have also connected with another adoptive mom, one who brought home two teenage boys just last year. I’ve heard many parents who’ve had a bad experience adopting older children, but here God connected me to a mom who got two great kids who’d nearly given up on ever getting a family. And they are thriving in their home. I’ve been hesitant to look at the older children, but she made me consider it. So I ran across a file of a boy who was fifteen.
At the age of sixteen, children age-out in Bulgaria. They are thrust into the world. Many of the kids are approached to sell drugs or engage or other unlawful acts to make money to survive. And according to my new online friend, most do… because it is money.
So I found a boy that struck a chord with me and I showed him to my husband, and this boy tugged at his heart. For days, he thought about him. Which for Pete is HUGE. He doesn’t get like that for the most part. Usually, I’m the gas pedal and he is the breaks. So I thought about how we could make it work. If he had gotten my husband’s mind, then I needed to pay attention.
But just yesterday, we found out some information about him that would make it impossible to add him to our family. Another child who’d been in his foster home, one who was now adopted, accused him of some bad things, things that we can’t risk for our children. The agency would no longer advocate for him because of these charges and an investigation would probably take place.
It makes you hurt for the boy because the experiences he’d had in the past probably caused him to hurt others now. But, for the safety of my family, he was no longer for consideration.
So Pete said to me yesterday, almost the exact same words that I had typed a few months ago.
Why would God place a child on his heart and then take that child away? What was the purpose of it? We are still trying to figure it out, and these are those moments when you wish there was an email from God plotting out exactly why. And I admit, we are both a little discouraged.
There are a few other children that I’ve seen. There are SOOO many. But I’m just not sure. I am feeling gun shy about God’s pull and what door, if any, to walk through. There are just so…many…doors.
- There is the door to adopt again from Bulgaria.
- There is the door to focus on foster care.
- There is a door to adopt from foster care.
- There is a door just to do respite from foster care.
- There is a door to forget about adoption entirely.
- There is the door to focus just on advocating for the orphans.
- There is a door to forget about foster and adoption and move on.
My head and heart hurt. I know the last door, the door that does nothing, isn’t a choice for me. God has made me passionate about adoption/foster care, so doing nothing isn’t an option.
I don’t have any good answers. But I do know that I need to do SOMETHING. Throughout scripture, God commands us to do SOMETHING. But what is that something? Being obedient to God is hard when you don’t know what door he wants you to take. So we’ll continue to pray and hope that he makes a door stand wide open.